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Post by Grave ♥ on Nov 27, 2007 6:29:12 GMT -5
Take my hand. Follow me. We can go to distant lands. We can without care. We can learn. We can teach.
Just come with me. Just come and see. Don't look back. Don't regret.
Just come run away with me. Run away with me. Run away by my side.
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Post by [ SkaterFly ] on Nov 27, 2007 7:54:21 GMT -5
Your poems are always great, but you seem to use the same words over and over again....Maybe spruce it up a bit? Anyways, great work
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Post by Grave ♥ on Nov 27, 2007 7:56:31 GMT -5
Eh, I've seen some famous poems (now to just remember them) that use only about 12 different words yet people love them. Lucky bastards I guess.
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teg
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by teg on Nov 27, 2007 9:07:35 GMT -5
I'll Have to agree with skaterfly, it's too repetitive.
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Post by Grave ♥ on Nov 27, 2007 16:22:15 GMT -5
Either way, I never really liked it, so I guess I'll do a rewrite when I have the time.
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Post by Wrighty on Nov 27, 2007 19:31:22 GMT -5
Try using thesaurus.com (I think that's it...) I use it for rhyming but not being repetitive when I do poems and such.
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Post by aoeclald on Dec 2, 2007 14:40:35 GMT -5
I can hear a rhythm when I'm reading this -- Maybe a beginning or chorus to a song? It has good repetition, I believe. I think you should remove all the of the "We"'s, though, except the first, and then add a colon on the first line and then commas at the end of the following lines. Remember, poetry doesn't have to have capitalization at the beginning of each line. Poetry is writing, too, and needs to be punctuated the same. EditsI like the meaning here and it's a good poem Great job.
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